chox.

i have decided to call him chox. that will be my term of endearment for him.

chox because he is a lot like chocolate. he is dark, he is sweet, and i...(gulp)...love him.

i've finally decided to iron things out. i do not want to be unfair to the person who has proven himself worthy of the love that any person can ever give. i was skeptic at first because he was a friend. i have known him for quite a while already...the guy in my tutorial class who found most things humorous and also made me laugh almost all of the time we were together. the guy who was so fond of talking crap and from whom i learned how to speak rubbish. the guy who always called me lousy just because of my nationality. the guy whom i thought of just a friend and won't even consider dating because he is of the race i won't want to have anything to do with at a very personal level.

and then the unthinkable happened. he said something stupid. he told me he was falling for me.

at that time i was still gathering all the broken pieces of my heart and intermittently gluing them back together. my ex just told me he was already courting another girl. i knew it would hurt but i didn't expect my world to still fall apart. he is already my ex, after all.

chox had been there to keep my sanity. he would patiently listen to all my ramblings and inject insightful things that i wouldn't have thought of otherwise. he was there for me and that meant a lot.

so when he told me he (gasp!) loves me, i became all the more confused. i did not know what to feel. i could not tell whether i felt happy with his revelation. i did not know how to react. initially i was certain i was just going to dismiss what he said and just get on with my life. and of all people, why him?

but he pressed on. i began to see the side of him that i've never seen before. i didn't know that he could be extremely sweet and caring and understanding. he told me to just give 'us' a try and see if it works out. my mind was screaming a big NO but my heart was screaming even louder otherwise. and because i'm a sucker for the maxim 'follow your heart', the unfathomable happened. virtually there was no ligawan involved because i don't think it was applicable in our case. it's not in their tradition to court girls, and besides, i've already known him for quite a substantial period of time already.

we've decided to keep it a secret at first. we would both be the butt of cruel jokes if we had told our friends right away. his friends back in mauritius would question his sanity for having a Filipina as a girlfriend, and i'm certain my friends won't understand me too. i still don't understand myself either. my parents have never taught me to practice racial apartheid, but sometimes i just unconciously do it.

apart from the 'friends' and 'what-would-other-people-think?' factor, we also have cultural and religious differences. clearly we view things very differently. there was even a time when this was so apparent and we just pissed each other off. i cried. but no one had ever apologized to me as beautifully as he did. he held me in his arms, and with his soothing voice he told me to just think about our similarities from that time onwards. the funny thing is, we couldn't think of any right away. so he just brought up even the most vain reasons such as 'i like blue, you like pink. we both like colors. that's one.' and ' both of us have never been to japan. that's two.' . and while all this was happening, the song 'the reason' by hoobastank was playing on the background.

so what if the guy is a far cry from my ideal man based on my previous standard of physical attributes? maybe God is teaching me to look past what is just seen by the eye and appreciate what can only be felt by the heart. but lately i've realized that his eyes are most exquisite and his nose is so...manly. haha. =) and his skin color? i love chocolates anyway.=) and by the way, ever since i was a little girl i've always thought that French (his mother tongue) is sexy. haha.=)

and he just passed the test ultimate test last night. i've severely bruised and shattered his ego, and correspondingly i thought i would be pounded to bits. i thought that was the end of it. had it been another guy, maybe i would be in NUH right now. but because of the gentleman that he is, as i was sitting there having a hard time trying to get my foot from my mouth, he even had the valor to ask whether i wanted something to drink as he was rummaging for a sachet of MILO. i have already divulged to him all the horrible facts about me, told him the worst thing any guy could ever hear, and yet he still accepted me with open arms. i was bewildered. how could anyone ever care for me this much?

to my chox, i am deeply touched. i cherish you.

to people with puny brains, think whatever you want.

there. this is so liberating. now i won't have to hide anything anymore.