I just had a good cry. (Again?) Warning: Mushy stuff. Those with saccharine intolerance (is there such a thing?) better leave now.
I don't even know where or how to start. It's just that it became increasingly often that I think about what's in store for me next sem. He is leaving for France in a few months and I think it's also going to be the end of us. But then again, maybe there's no us in the first place.
I never thought that I'd be so afraid to love someone with all my heart. I never thought that I'd delibrately choose not to love someone with all my heart. It's funny, because at the beginning, I admit that when I first told him those three magic words at the park, I didn't really mean it. I found it too soon, but I said anyway just to make him happy. We were just plain friends, but he was always good to me. Always there when I had problems (especially that time when I broke up with my first boyfriend), he was my personal tutor for most of my subjects in school, and he's very fun to be with. It was only because of our most apparent differences that I was so hesitant to be involved with him as more than friends. But anyway, I obliged when he asked me to give it a try. I was lonely and curious too.
We had a shaky start. We'd always have petty fights and I'd always cry during lectures. I've become such an expert in crying silently that even during lectures where we sit next to each other, my tears would go unnoticed. I think I set up too high an expectation from him, since I just came from a relationship with someone who promised me the world. And of course, we grew up in different cultures, so he didn't even have an inkling as to how I wanted things to be.
I' not even sure how many times we actually broke up in the past because of our petty fights. Twice? Three times? But we'd always get back together because we see each other in class everyday, and we have the same group of friends who we always have lunch with. For me, I found it very awkward to be around each other as just friends, since I'd miss him as more than that too.
As time progressed, I've grown to love him...you know, really love him. At one point I've even had the illusion that he could be the one who'd meet me at the end of the aisle on my wedding day. But then, I realized that he doesn't have this end in mind. It became clear that our paths would inevitably diverge in the future, because we each have our own plans in life.
At first, I was angry and frustrated. Why are we still together then, even if we know that in the end we will just say goodbye? It also bothered me so much that every school vacation, our relationship seems to take a break too. We very seldom communicate with each other, but it's largely due to poor internet connection in our home countries and high call rates. (I was complaining that we didn't talk much last summer, but when he got back here in Singapore, he had to settle $400+ for his mobile phone bills. With that amount of money I could have gone back and forth home in the Philippines TWICE.) Our lack of communication made it easy for me to admire other guys too, since I felt unloved anyway.
However, when we see each other again, all my feelings for him would rush back. I am the type who would want to sms my boyfriend 'I love you' everyday, leave mushy post-its to his notebook or bag or door, compose poems and love letters and personalized cards, give him a ring (yes, the one you put in your finger..ha!) and..I don't know..be a martyr for love? (Whatever that means.) But I deliberately chose not to do these things anymore, because I think he'll get freaked out.
I find it weird that I'm in a way, limiting my love for him. But I guess I'm just obeying what my elders told me, not to be so serious in a relationship since I am still so young. I gave my all and broke my heart when I first fell in love, but now I am just being more careful.
I also give him credit for being practical, and not promising me the sun, moon, and the stars right now. Both of us have our own stars that we want to reach, and I guess it's true what the wise men say: Only fools rush in.
Right now, I am happily loving Sundeep as my boyfriend until such time that we will cease to be together. A while ago I asked him why he even asked me to be his girlfriend, when now it's pretty clear that we don't have a future. He said he didn't really think about such things before (and maybe because I am so pretty what. OKAY THAT IS JUST TO INFLATE MY EGO. Erase, erase haha). And in my case too, I know that I'm not supposed to have a relationship with a non-Christian blah-blah. I also don't know why I went for it...or why God allowed for us to be together. So shoot me for defying my religion, but we won't be ending up together anyway.
I am just savoring my (last?) moments with him. He is really dear to me, though he could get really irritating sometimes. But overall, he is a good and decent man. (And he is very funny to boot.) I also admire him for a lot more reasons, especially for his wit, and being able to juggle academics and extra-curricular activities very well. Sometimes, even if he looks like a walking garbage bag when he hasn't shaved, his hair has grown too long, and when he wears that checkered polo shirt and short black shorts that I personally want to burn to ashes, I still love him. But I love him more when he is cleanly shaven and he's in any of his soccer jerseys...haha he looks so masculine. And of course, as I've mentioned a thousand times before, I love his nose. I love his nose. And again, I love his nose.
Too bad, it seems that my children can't have his nose.
Life is complicated.
I don't even know where or how to start. It's just that it became increasingly often that I think about what's in store for me next sem. He is leaving for France in a few months and I think it's also going to be the end of us. But then again, maybe there's no us in the first place.
I never thought that I'd be so afraid to love someone with all my heart. I never thought that I'd delibrately choose not to love someone with all my heart. It's funny, because at the beginning, I admit that when I first told him those three magic words at the park, I didn't really mean it. I found it too soon, but I said anyway just to make him happy. We were just plain friends, but he was always good to me. Always there when I had problems (especially that time when I broke up with my first boyfriend), he was my personal tutor for most of my subjects in school, and he's very fun to be with. It was only because of our most apparent differences that I was so hesitant to be involved with him as more than friends. But anyway, I obliged when he asked me to give it a try. I was lonely and curious too.
We had a shaky start. We'd always have petty fights and I'd always cry during lectures. I've become such an expert in crying silently that even during lectures where we sit next to each other, my tears would go unnoticed. I think I set up too high an expectation from him, since I just came from a relationship with someone who promised me the world. And of course, we grew up in different cultures, so he didn't even have an inkling as to how I wanted things to be.
I' not even sure how many times we actually broke up in the past because of our petty fights. Twice? Three times? But we'd always get back together because we see each other in class everyday, and we have the same group of friends who we always have lunch with. For me, I found it very awkward to be around each other as just friends, since I'd miss him as more than that too.
As time progressed, I've grown to love him...you know, really love him. At one point I've even had the illusion that he could be the one who'd meet me at the end of the aisle on my wedding day. But then, I realized that he doesn't have this end in mind. It became clear that our paths would inevitably diverge in the future, because we each have our own plans in life.
At first, I was angry and frustrated. Why are we still together then, even if we know that in the end we will just say goodbye? It also bothered me so much that every school vacation, our relationship seems to take a break too. We very seldom communicate with each other, but it's largely due to poor internet connection in our home countries and high call rates. (I was complaining that we didn't talk much last summer, but when he got back here in Singapore, he had to settle $400+ for his mobile phone bills. With that amount of money I could have gone back and forth home in the Philippines TWICE.) Our lack of communication made it easy for me to admire other guys too, since I felt unloved anyway.
However, when we see each other again, all my feelings for him would rush back. I am the type who would want to sms my boyfriend 'I love you' everyday, leave mushy post-its to his notebook or bag or door, compose poems and love letters and personalized cards, give him a ring (yes, the one you put in your finger..ha!) and..I don't know..be a martyr for love? (Whatever that means.) But I deliberately chose not to do these things anymore, because I think he'll get freaked out.
I find it weird that I'm in a way, limiting my love for him. But I guess I'm just obeying what my elders told me, not to be so serious in a relationship since I am still so young. I gave my all and broke my heart when I first fell in love, but now I am just being more careful.
I also give him credit for being practical, and not promising me the sun, moon, and the stars right now. Both of us have our own stars that we want to reach, and I guess it's true what the wise men say: Only fools rush in.
Right now, I am happily loving Sundeep as my boyfriend until such time that we will cease to be together. A while ago I asked him why he even asked me to be his girlfriend, when now it's pretty clear that we don't have a future. He said he didn't really think about such things before (and maybe because I am so pretty what. OKAY THAT IS JUST TO INFLATE MY EGO. Erase, erase haha). And in my case too, I know that I'm not supposed to have a relationship with a non-Christian blah-blah. I also don't know why I went for it...or why God allowed for us to be together. So shoot me for defying my religion, but we won't be ending up together anyway.
I am just savoring my (last?) moments with him. He is really dear to me, though he could get really irritating sometimes. But overall, he is a good and decent man. (And he is very funny to boot.) I also admire him for a lot more reasons, especially for his wit, and being able to juggle academics and extra-curricular activities very well. Sometimes, even if he looks like a walking garbage bag when he hasn't shaved, his hair has grown too long, and when he wears that checkered polo shirt and short black shorts that I personally want to burn to ashes, I still love him. But I love him more when he is cleanly shaven and he's in any of his soccer jerseys...haha he looks so masculine. And of course, as I've mentioned a thousand times before, I love his nose. I love his nose. And again, I love his nose.
Too bad, it seems that my children can't have his nose.
Life is complicated.
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